Looking at all my blogs, there's a lot of negativity. So I'm going to try and stay positive in this post. Don't hate me when it's a short one!
We're getting ready to celebrate our third Christmas in this wonderful land of leprechauns and rainbows. And what a good one it will be! I can't wait to see the look on our girls' faces when they see all the items they had on their wish lists. I did really good this year by buying them a little something every month, instead of creating debts in December. Even the 'balls to my chain' will get a present I think he'll really appreciate. If he doesn't, that'll just be the last time I try! *cough*
Anyway, how have we been doing so far you ask? GREAT! I'm still a full time mom, filling my time with taking care of the house and the kids. I'm not always doing a great job, but I'm doing it none the less. Dirk is doing great at his job, with multiple opportunities coming his way. He's already had more chances than he's ever had in Belgium. He probably has no idea of how proud I am of him. I'll always be eternally grateful we had the opportunity to come here because of him.
The girls have been doing amazing in school too! So well, that some of the teachers thought they were born here. Everybody seems to love them and I honestly can't blame them. But I'm not really objective. We still love the house we live in and how this whole renting business is dealt with. Need your chimney cleaned, the landlord will take care of it. The gate flew off because of the storm, the landlord will take care of it... Everything is so much better than in Belgium.
We're still not the richest but we manage a whole lot better than we ever did before!
Once Arwen is older and capable of taking care of her sister, more than she already does, there's a very good chance I will go back to work. What I will end up doing is still a big mystery. Ideally I'll end up in some B&B or hotel, or maybe do something more with photography. But I might be wishful thinking on that last one. There's still some time for me to figure it all out.
Over the summer we had my in-laws come to visit for two weeks and it was so good to see them. They've become a better family than my own and I'm eternally grateful for them. The girls were very happy to see them as well and they seemed genuinely happy to see us too. And not just the girls, which was extremely refreshing to me. Thanks to them and their rental car we were able to see a tiny bit more of Ireland.
There's still a whole lot on my Irish to-see list though, Connemara being my nr 1. Maybe we'll rent a car ourselves and take a little family trip.
We plan on going back to Belgium somewhere next year, but time will tell when that is. Can't put any details here as I don't want certain people to know. It will only be for a few days but I'm sure the girls will love to see some relatives again. And who knows, we might reunite with lost family.
What I'm most looking forward too is a visit from my dad. Finally we'll be able to meet up without the burden of feeling guilty toward my siblings or trying to include them, or fear we might run into them. They made it very clear they want nothing to do with us and now we're finally free. No matter how I look at things, we've got some good things ahead of us and I can't wait!
I will do my very best to keep you posted of all things, good and bad.
Féach leat an chéad uair eile! (which should mean: see you next time)
vrijdag 20 december 2019
Trying to go no contact
So the last post I made was about realizing my mother might be a narcissist. Well, not 'might be', she just is. I've joined a Facebook group for women dealing with the same issues and it made me realize that it's not me that is the problem. The things she did and still does are very typical for her kind. When I read all those other women's testimonies it made it very clear that I'm doing the right thing by keeping her out of our lives. Or that's what I'm trying to do from now on.
It's a very good thing we moved abroad, making it impossible for her to just show up at our door.
After I had confronted her with everything I found out, she did what she always does; attack my dad. Suddenly he has to pay off debts he didn't even know he had, so she could get married. She even told him I was sick, which made him worry about me. I reassured him that it was just her go-to tactic, calling me insane. So that's another great thing about my mom; disagree and you become insane to her and thus everyone around her. And the only reason she mentioned the possible marriage is because she hoped he would tell me and I would reach out. As if I'm in any way interested in her getting married.
About two months ago she send me an email apologizing for everything she'd done, saying she missed the girls so much and wanted to contact us. Foolishly enough I answered, asking her what exactly she was apologizing for. I got a vague answer in return which made it clear that she was just saying what she thought I wanted to hear. In reality she had no intentions of really apologizing, it was just a means to an end. Two mails in she was back to being the victim and nothing was her fault. When she realized I wasn't going to give her what she wanted, the insults started. I'm bat-shit crazy and she's the innocent one. When I wanted her to apologize, she couldn't remember half the stuff I blame her for. But when it was time for her to defend herself, every tiny detail was clear as day. She even went so far as to threaten me, saying she would have our kids taken away. Does she really think this helps her case? What am I supposed to do, go down on my knees and beg her not to?! I say, bring it on! Give it all you got because I'm so ready to take her down! I've had enough. I will not let her treat my children the way she did us. You have no idea how many issues I have with myself or the people I love, because of her. To this day I can't just accept a compliment, for some reason I justify myself. When someone, for instance says my hair looks good, I wouldn't just say 'thank you'; but I would start explaining why it looks good. Afterwards I always feel bad. That's all because she never gave compliments, it were always hidden insults.
She's asked me to tell her what my girls want for Sinterklaas and Christmas. Even though we don't celebrate Sinterklaas anymore now that we've moved to Ireland. She wanted to know the size of them too, so she could send some clothes. I didn't react at all. Last time I gave her their sizes and Caitlyn is still waiting to fit in the dress she bought her. She just doesn't listen. Besides, if she really cared then all she had to do was ask someone in the store for the probable sizes of a 6 and 8 year old. I'm pretty sure they would be able to estimate the right size.
Yesterday the dreaded package arrived, wrapped in paper from her bf's company so there would be no doubt is was hers. Sadly it came when the girls were home and they immediately recognized the logo. I had no choice but to expose them to the disappointment that would inevitably follow. And as usual I was right.
Caitlyn got sweaters in Arwen's size and vice versa. There were items in there that don't fit either of them right now. There was also a flute in it that was clearly second hand and had teeth marks all over! Who in their right mind does such a thing? It looked disgusting and got thrown in the bin right away.
She also send them some junk she clearly had lying around for years, as the girls recognized it. Nothing was the same size, but of course that'll be my fault as I didn't give her the right sizes.
I know for a fact she's waiting for a mail from me to complain about it, giving her more fuel to pass along to her flying monkeys. That's a term I learned from the Facebook group. If you've seen the Wizard of Oz, you have an idea what that's about. But I won't do it. She got a few things right though, but not enough to make me doubt my decision. No contact is the only thing that will keep us healthy and sane.
The only good thing that came out of all of this is the bond I now have with my father. I'm getting to know him better and discovering so many things we have in common. My greatest fear was to resemble my mom and I now have some hope I take after him, not her. You can't imagine how good that feels.
Sadly I'll have to fight this fight for the rest of my life, keep telling myself that I am doing the right thing and keep her poisonous character away from my girls. The only thing that's really hard, is to get others to understand my situation. Most people have this "it's your mother" way of thinking, meaning I can't ignore her existence because she's family. But I have to put myself and my little family first. So I've decided that I will tell new people I meet, that my mother is dead. It's just a lot easier than trying to explain or justify myself. In a way I'm not even lying; the mother she's supposed to be died a very long time ago.
Sometimes I still wonder if I'm doing the right thing, keeping my girls' grandmother from them, but then they never talk about her. They've mentioned my in-laws a few times, but not my mother. So I'm guessing I'm not hurting them at all. Besides, the disappointment in their eyes when they try on clothes that don't fit says enough. I will always put my girls first and be as honest with them as possible. If they ask for her, I might let them talk to her, but so far they have had no interest whatsoever.
We're finally leading a good life and I will not let her destroy it!
Her threats will have no effect on us anymore.
It's a very good thing we moved abroad, making it impossible for her to just show up at our door.
After I had confronted her with everything I found out, she did what she always does; attack my dad. Suddenly he has to pay off debts he didn't even know he had, so she could get married. She even told him I was sick, which made him worry about me. I reassured him that it was just her go-to tactic, calling me insane. So that's another great thing about my mom; disagree and you become insane to her and thus everyone around her. And the only reason she mentioned the possible marriage is because she hoped he would tell me and I would reach out. As if I'm in any way interested in her getting married.
About two months ago she send me an email apologizing for everything she'd done, saying she missed the girls so much and wanted to contact us. Foolishly enough I answered, asking her what exactly she was apologizing for. I got a vague answer in return which made it clear that she was just saying what she thought I wanted to hear. In reality she had no intentions of really apologizing, it was just a means to an end. Two mails in she was back to being the victim and nothing was her fault. When she realized I wasn't going to give her what she wanted, the insults started. I'm bat-shit crazy and she's the innocent one. When I wanted her to apologize, she couldn't remember half the stuff I blame her for. But when it was time for her to defend herself, every tiny detail was clear as day. She even went so far as to threaten me, saying she would have our kids taken away. Does she really think this helps her case? What am I supposed to do, go down on my knees and beg her not to?! I say, bring it on! Give it all you got because I'm so ready to take her down! I've had enough. I will not let her treat my children the way she did us. You have no idea how many issues I have with myself or the people I love, because of her. To this day I can't just accept a compliment, for some reason I justify myself. When someone, for instance says my hair looks good, I wouldn't just say 'thank you'; but I would start explaining why it looks good. Afterwards I always feel bad. That's all because she never gave compliments, it were always hidden insults.
She's asked me to tell her what my girls want for Sinterklaas and Christmas. Even though we don't celebrate Sinterklaas anymore now that we've moved to Ireland. She wanted to know the size of them too, so she could send some clothes. I didn't react at all. Last time I gave her their sizes and Caitlyn is still waiting to fit in the dress she bought her. She just doesn't listen. Besides, if she really cared then all she had to do was ask someone in the store for the probable sizes of a 6 and 8 year old. I'm pretty sure they would be able to estimate the right size.
Yesterday the dreaded package arrived, wrapped in paper from her bf's company so there would be no doubt is was hers. Sadly it came when the girls were home and they immediately recognized the logo. I had no choice but to expose them to the disappointment that would inevitably follow. And as usual I was right.
Caitlyn got sweaters in Arwen's size and vice versa. There were items in there that don't fit either of them right now. There was also a flute in it that was clearly second hand and had teeth marks all over! Who in their right mind does such a thing? It looked disgusting and got thrown in the bin right away.
She also send them some junk she clearly had lying around for years, as the girls recognized it. Nothing was the same size, but of course that'll be my fault as I didn't give her the right sizes.
I know for a fact she's waiting for a mail from me to complain about it, giving her more fuel to pass along to her flying monkeys. That's a term I learned from the Facebook group. If you've seen the Wizard of Oz, you have an idea what that's about. But I won't do it. She got a few things right though, but not enough to make me doubt my decision. No contact is the only thing that will keep us healthy and sane.
The only good thing that came out of all of this is the bond I now have with my father. I'm getting to know him better and discovering so many things we have in common. My greatest fear was to resemble my mom and I now have some hope I take after him, not her. You can't imagine how good that feels.
Sadly I'll have to fight this fight for the rest of my life, keep telling myself that I am doing the right thing and keep her poisonous character away from my girls. The only thing that's really hard, is to get others to understand my situation. Most people have this "it's your mother" way of thinking, meaning I can't ignore her existence because she's family. But I have to put myself and my little family first. So I've decided that I will tell new people I meet, that my mother is dead. It's just a lot easier than trying to explain or justify myself. In a way I'm not even lying; the mother she's supposed to be died a very long time ago.
Sometimes I still wonder if I'm doing the right thing, keeping my girls' grandmother from them, but then they never talk about her. They've mentioned my in-laws a few times, but not my mother. So I'm guessing I'm not hurting them at all. Besides, the disappointment in their eyes when they try on clothes that don't fit says enough. I will always put my girls first and be as honest with them as possible. If they ask for her, I might let them talk to her, but so far they have had no interest whatsoever.
We're finally leading a good life and I will not let her destroy it!
Her threats will have no effect on us anymore.
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