It's been a very long time since I've written anything here. Mainly because not a lot has happened, but also because there's a big chance my family (mother and siblings) still has access to this blog. I'm trying to completely 'erase' them from my life, but I'm not sure how to do this.
Anyway, the reason I'm coming back on here is because I'm mad. Mad and sad and maybe even a little bit depressed. You see, for the first time in 25 years (or more, I have no clue really) I went to visit my dad. Sure we've seen him once or twice since my parents got divorced, but I've never had the change to go to the States, where he's been living since my teenage years. The most amount of days I've last spend with him, was three days in Paris for his parents anniversary. He flew us all out there and I have to say, it was amazing!! I can truly say it was the best holiday we've ever had.
But it made me realize what I had to miss out on. My dad is the greatest, there's no other way of putting it. And I'm not only saying this because he basically spoiled us all rotten, no, you could tell he really cared about us. For me, that was a completely foreign experience.
When you grow up with a narcissistic mother, you don't know what love is. She always told us it was our dad that left us because he didn't care or didn't love us. But in reality she did everything in her power to keep us all separated, brainwashing us over the years into believing her narrative: he was the big bad wolf, she was the victim.
I might have already explained at one point that once my eldest was born, I wanted my dad more in my life. I wanted my kids to know him. Ever since making that decision our bond has become stronger. With that, my eyes started to open more and more to my mother's toxic personality. She has been paying of debts ever since they got divorced, debts that our dad supposedly made. But that turns out not to be true either. No, it was all her. My dad always provided for all of us. He gave her access to accounts with specific guidelines on how to use it. But she did her own thing and thus the bank had to take action. She's the one in the wrong and now she's the one still paying for it. We grew up in poverty because she made it so. All the money he send her was spend on God knows what, but it wasn't us.
Over the years I've had so many questions I wanted answered, but I was always afraid to ask them. Part of me was still afraid that maybe she was right and I didn't want to know that truth. But clearly I had nothing to be afraid of. There's so much I blame her for and there's so much I will never forgive her for either. For instance; in the last year high school every class had the chance to go to a foreign country. My sister got a chance to go to Germany and our mother always said it was thanks to an anonymous donor. Really, how gullible were we? Who would even do such a thing?
When it was my turn, there was no anonymous donor. I never got to make the planned trip to Italy. I was the only one in our class who couldn't join. And I know it might seem ridiculous and petty, but I've never gotten over this. Both my younger brothers were able to go on their trips as well, I'm literally the only one who never got the opportunity. But the worst part of all of this is that my dad did pay for it. He paid for all our trips. When he told me this I had to stop myself from crying. To this day, it's probably the thing I regret most in my life. Yes I know, pathetic. But when you grow up with nothing, going on a school trip seemed like my only shot to make it out of our little country. And I had to miss out on it.
Everything we ever needed or wanted, he provided for, or would've provided for when asked. But she had to ruin it all. And for what? What did she possibly had to gain? What good has it done? She's miserable!! She's been poor and lonely for most of her life. She lost every possible family member she ever had, destroying all remaining ties she had left. But naturally, she was never in the wrong. Blame was always put with someone else. Even with me. That's the reason none of my siblings talk to me, because they believe her. And you know what, that's their loss. If our summer holiday made anything clear, it's that they're not worth it.
I've heard horror stories of how they've all treated the few relatives that did still care about us. I couldn't believe it when I heard it, making me question how we could even be related. So I've made the decision that for me, that chapter is from now on forever closed. My mother died years ago and I don't have any siblings.
We're going to make steps for our future that none of them will expect. I want to do what's right for me and for my little family. No more denying myself happiness because I don't want to hurt them. No more putting myself aside. This is my time, my time to be selfish.
Being in the States was eye-opening, but so unnatural for me at the same time. I've never had a parent show me love. How sad is it to have to write this?! Being with my dad and have him show interest in me, genuine interest, so foreign. My stepmother is amazing, so amazing that I don't know how to deal with it.
None of us wanted to leave, especially me. Ever since we came back home, it's like I'm just an empty shell walking around. I'm running on auto-pilot, waiting for my life to start again. I want to find a job to help built that future we all want. But I have no clue what I want to do. I know what I could do, but the will to actually do it, is missing. In my head I know I could tackle any job, but it's like I just don't want to. There's always something I'll tell myself I can't do, or that I don't want to do.
And then I start thinking on how different my life could've been if my dad had the chance to stay in my life. Maybe I would've found a passion. Maybe having a supportive parent would've changed everything. But I can't go down that rabbit hole because it offers no solution. It only results in more frustration and hurt. I have to look ahead now, look at what we can build instead of looking at what has been destroyed in the past.
So writing this will hopefully help me to put it all behind me. Finish this chapter that has taken up 36 years of my life. Time to not just turn the page, but to start a whole new book with all new characters.