Irish update

Looking at all my blogs, there's a lot of negativity. So I'm going to try and stay positive in this post. Don't hate me when it's a short one!

We're getting ready to celebrate our third Christmas in this wonderful land of leprechauns and rainbows. And what a good one it will be! I can't wait to see the look on our girls' faces when they see all the items they had on their wish lists. I did really good this year by buying them a little something every month, instead of creating debts in December. Even the 'balls to my chain' will get a present I think he'll really appreciate. If he doesn't, that'll just be the last time I try! *cough*

Anyway, how have we been doing so far you ask? GREAT! I'm still a full time mom, filling my time with taking care of the house and the kids. I'm not always doing a great job, but I'm doing it none the less. Dirk is doing great at his job, with multiple opportunities coming his way. He's already had more chances than he's ever had in Belgium. He probably has no idea of how proud I am of him. I'll always be eternally grateful we had the opportunity to come here because of him.

The girls have been doing amazing in school too! So well, that some of the teachers thought they were born here. Everybody seems to love them and I honestly can't blame them. But I'm not really objective. We still love the house we live in and how this whole renting business is dealt with. Need your chimney cleaned, the landlord will take care of it. The gate flew off because of the storm, the landlord will take care of it... Everything is so much better than in Belgium.
We're still not the richest but we manage a whole lot better than we ever did before!

Once Arwen is older and capable of taking care of her sister, more than she already does, there's a very good chance I will go back to work. What I will end up doing is still a big mystery. Ideally I'll end up in some B&B or hotel, or maybe do something more with photography. But I might be wishful thinking on that last one. There's still some time for me to figure it all out.

Over the summer we had my in-laws come to visit for two weeks and it was so good to see them. They've become a better family than my own and I'm eternally grateful for them. The girls were very happy to see them as well and they seemed genuinely happy to see us too. And not just the girls, which was extremely refreshing to me. Thanks to them and their rental car we were able to see a tiny bit more of Ireland.
There's still a whole lot on my Irish to-see list though, Connemara being my nr 1. Maybe we'll rent a car ourselves and take a little family trip.

We plan on going back to Belgium somewhere next year, but time will tell when that is. Can't put any details here as I don't want certain people to know. It will only be for a few days but I'm sure the girls will love to see some relatives again. And who knows, we might reunite with lost family.
What I'm most looking forward too is a visit from my dad. Finally we'll be able to meet up without the burden of feeling guilty toward my siblings or trying to include them, or fear we might run into them. They made it very clear they want nothing to do with us and now we're finally free. No matter how I look at things, we've got some good things ahead of us and I can't wait!
I will do my very best to keep you posted of all things, good and bad.

Féach leat an chéad uair eile! (which should mean: see you next time)

Trying to go no contact

So the last post I made was about realizing my mother might be a narcissist. Well, not 'might be', she just is. I've joined a Facebook group for women dealing with the same issues and it made me realize that it's not me that is the problem. The things she did and still does are very typical for her kind. When I read all those other women's testimonies it made it very clear that I'm doing the right thing by keeping her out of our lives. Or that's what I'm trying to do from now on.
It's a very good thing we moved abroad, making it impossible for her to just show up at our door.

After I had confronted her with everything I found out, she did what she always does; attack my dad. Suddenly he has to pay off debts he didn't even know he had, so she could get married. She even told him I was sick, which made him worry about me. I reassured him that it was just her go-to tactic, calling me insane. So that's another great thing about my mom; disagree and you become insane to her and thus everyone around her. And the only reason she mentioned the possible marriage is because she hoped he would tell me and I would reach out. As if I'm in any way interested in her getting married.

About two months ago she send me an email apologizing for everything she'd done, saying she missed the girls so much and wanted to contact us. Foolishly enough I answered, asking her what exactly she was apologizing for. I got a vague answer in return which made it clear that she was just saying what she thought I wanted to hear. In reality she had no intentions of really apologizing, it was just a means to an end. Two mails in she was back to being the victim and nothing was her fault. When she realized I wasn't going to give her what she wanted, the insults started. I'm bat-shit crazy and she's the innocent one. When I wanted her to apologize, she couldn't remember half the stuff I blame her for. But when it was time for her to defend herself, every tiny detail was clear as day. She even went so far as to threaten me, saying she would have our kids taken away. Does she really think this helps her case? What am I supposed to do, go down on my knees and beg her not to?! I say, bring it on! Give it all you got because I'm so ready to take her down! I've had enough. I will not let her treat my children the way she did us. You have no idea how many issues I have with myself or the people I love, because of her. To this day I can't just accept a compliment, for some reason I justify myself. When someone, for instance says my hair looks good, I wouldn't just say 'thank you'; but I would start explaining why it looks good. Afterwards I always feel bad. That's all because she never gave compliments, it were always hidden insults.

She's asked me to tell her what my girls want for Sinterklaas and Christmas. Even though we don't celebrate Sinterklaas anymore now that we've moved to Ireland. She wanted to know the size of them too, so she could send some clothes. I didn't react at all. Last time I gave her their sizes and Caitlyn is still waiting to fit in the dress she bought her. She just doesn't listen. Besides, if she really cared then all she had to do was ask someone in the store for the probable sizes of a 6 and 8 year old. I'm pretty sure they would be able to estimate the right size.
Yesterday the dreaded package arrived, wrapped in paper from her bf's company so there would be no doubt is was hers. Sadly it came when the girls were home and they immediately recognized the logo. I had no choice but to expose them to the disappointment that would inevitably follow. And as usual I was right.
Caitlyn got sweaters in Arwen's size and vice versa. There were items in there that don't fit either of them right now. There was also a flute in it that was clearly second hand and had teeth marks all over! Who in their right mind does such a thing? It looked disgusting and got thrown in the bin right away.
She also send them some junk she clearly had lying around for years, as the girls recognized it. Nothing was the same size, but of course that'll be my fault as I didn't give her the right sizes.

I know for a fact she's waiting for a mail from me to complain about it, giving her more fuel to pass along to her flying monkeys. That's a term I learned from the Facebook group. If you've seen the Wizard of Oz, you have an idea what that's about. But I won't do it. She got a few things right though, but not enough to make me doubt my decision. No contact is the only thing that will keep us healthy and sane.

The only good thing that came out of all of this is the bond I now have with my father. I'm getting to know him better and discovering so many things we have in common. My greatest fear was to resemble my mom and I now have some hope I take after him, not her. You can't imagine how good that feels.

Sadly I'll have to fight this fight for the rest of my life, keep telling myself that I am doing the right thing and keep her poisonous character away from my girls. The only thing that's really hard, is to get others to understand my situation. Most people have this "it's your mother" way of thinking, meaning I can't ignore her existence because she's family. But I have to put myself and my little family first. So I've decided that I will tell new people I meet, that my mother is dead. It's just a lot easier than trying to explain or justify myself. In a way I'm not even lying; the mother she's supposed to be died a very long time ago.

Sometimes I still wonder if I'm doing the right thing, keeping my girls' grandmother from them, but then they never talk about her. They've mentioned my in-laws a few times, but not my mother. So I'm guessing I'm not hurting them at all. Besides, the disappointment in their eyes when they try on clothes that don't fit says enough. I will always put my girls first and be as honest with them as possible. If they ask for her, I might let them talk to her, but so far they have had no interest whatsoever.

We're finally leading a good life and I will not let her destroy it!
Her threats will have no effect on us anymore.

Narcissistic mother

I want to find peace. Peace of mind. But I don't know how.

So as you might've read, my mother is just bat-shit crazy. It seems there have been problems with her from the start, serious mental problems.

After finally getting my dad's version of the past I reached out to my aunt. I don't know why exactly but it seemed to be something I just had to do. It was a door that never really closed completely, not for me. Ever since moving to Ireland I found myself thinking about them more often. Especially when I was walking around town and could hear sparrows singing. The name of the bird might be wrong, but I always remember hearing those birds when I used to sleep over at their house. Those were the birds that always woke me up because I wasn't used to that sound. So every time I heard them 'sing', my mind went back to waking up an trying to look out the window to locate the birds. Guess maybe something was trying to give me signs all along. That might explain why the bond with my mother has always been so turbulent, I guess some part of me picked up on something. Something I wasn't ready to see yet.

Sometimes it seemed like I was the only one questioning some decisions she made throughout our lives. Minor things that now seem to explain the much bigger issue. Because my mom, turns out to be a narcissist. There is no point in further trying to deny it, she fits the description perfectly! When we were kids she controlled everything, which is normal in a way because as kids, there's not much you can decide on your own. When things started to go South with my dad she did the only thing she thought would make her situation better. Because she only cared about herself. She started having kids as a way to keep men in her life. Sadly for us, mostly, that backfired.

For years we were brainwashed into believing her version, about our dad not wanting us anymore and choosing his second family over ours. He didn't have a second family.
She kept us away from our grandparents, making it clear they were pure evil! Her mother-in-law was a witch and her father-in-law was the personification of the Cowardly Lion. Sometimes we did go over there, although it probably wasn't all that often that it happened. Think we had a sleepover once, but only once. I still remember the pink sheets on the bed and the scent of the upstairs floor. We never went upstairs so a whole new world opened up and I never forgot.

And just as I'm typing this, just now, I'm starting to wonder if she let us visit them when she was running low on money. Because that was and always will be her first interest in life, her one big love. You know how it goes with grandparents, when you greet them they hand you some cash as if they were dealing drugs. But now I get why they had to be so sneaky about it. They wanted us to keep it, not our mom. But we never could. We were always so happy to receive anything that we would brag to each other, which resulted in her keeping it 'safe' for us. So safe that we still haven't seen any of it.
I try to go back in my memories but I just don't have that many. Not sure if that's normal or not, but there are barely any memories I have from that time. Did I block it out myself, did something else happen, I don't know!! Now that I've figured out that my mother is damaged beyond repair I can't help but want to know what else she did to us. How was she capable of turning three innocent children into paws in her grand scheme. (yes, there are four kids, but one of them was lucky enough to be her last pawn so he he only caught the end of it)

All I know is that whenever we had jobs we had to pay her. She demanded money for laundry and cooking she did. It clearly didn't matter that most of what she made came out of a jar or a can. But when she talks about her cooking, it's as if she killed whatever was on the menu herself.

Suddenly I'm getting flashbacks of my mother inviting over our boyfriends for dinner and making some African chicken recipe she found. I will never forget the moment she came downstairs in a supposedly African dress, turning everything into a show. The chicken wasn't even good, it looked as if someone in Africa had actually already eaten it. But don't get me wrong, our boyfriends were never good enough, especially not when they saw through her scams or questioned some things she did. She just hates my sister's husband, but I'm sure she has turned around from that now that she shunned us out. She will cosy up to whomever she thinks she might need in her future scams. She has two friends left, two people whom we've know since birth that still keep in touch. But one is just old and the other only reaches out every few years, I'm sure I can guess why. Makes me wonder how much of the truth they know. But everyone else has left her life. And of course the others were always the problem, not her. Never her!

It does explain why my mom is so exhausted all the time, she has to keep up with all the lies. And whenever I tried to go on about the past she would say she was too tired and just end the conversation. She let me read some divorce papers once, when I was blaming her for everything again. She genuinely thought it would change my outlook on things. But she was wrong, yet again. It made it clear that she lost everything because she made stupid decisions. Everything was right there in the contract, she was just too stupid to see it. But of course that's the excuse she used. "I was naive, I trusted your father." P-lease woman, you just always want to be the victim, even if that means robbing your kids of a decent future. Because now she had the perfect story all made up in her head. Her demon of a husband cheated on her and left his family behind to start a new one across the ocean. That's the version she told us over and over again. How he was a criminal that stole thousands and got away with it.
It's actually amazing how we believed it. Now, as an adult I'm wondering how someone who supposedly stole so much and was a sought-after criminal; could ever land a job in finances again. That would've been the one business he would never be able to return too. The background checks are severe and thus I know for a fact that that's all a lie. Sometimes it's a good thing that my mom has a very low IQ, there's always something she hasn't thought off.

With her it was just lie after lie after lie. She had a doctor reported to a medical board, or however that went in those days, because he didn't give her the treatment she wanted. I think that was the last doctor that ever turned her down. They had figured out there were some serious mental issues going on. So she had to leave. All the other doctors just gave her whatever she wanted, so she would keep coming. What does it really matter to them anyway, a patient brings income. Sometimes I do wonder if she ever drugged us. Because I know she gave us wine when we were kids. She called it kids' wine so I assumed it was non-alcoholic. Well, you should've seen my face when I found that same bottle as an adult and showed my hubby. It was only when I saw his look that if figured out something was wrong with the whole thing. And then I noticed the alcohol percentage. Sure, it wasn't a lot (think 6%) but what effect does that have on kids?! Is that what she gave us when she couldn't find a babysit or something? Because apparently there was a time my sister needed to come back from Germany because mommy-dearest wanted to go on dates. Another baffling thing I discovered through my aunt. That and the fact that mental illnesses might've been present in our family all along. My grandmother's father was known to have some problems too. But he died young and that's basically all I know.

The more I find out, the more I want to dig deeper. But there's also a part of me that is too afraid to do so. What horrors will we find next? Do I reach out to more people or do I let the demons sleep, forget the past and try to build a new future?
But how? She will never give up! Pretty soon the threats will come and later pity. I'm sure I'll get an email soon about how her heart is aching because she misses the girls (yeah, not me) or that's she's worried about us. Or my absolute favourite; she had one of her dreams. It's just another tug on my emotions trying to real me in. And if I answer, she will think everything is fine and she'll probably book her next flight over. But I'm going to be strong. I have to be.
She's not the type of person I want around my daughters, she's already done enough damage there.

The only thing that saddens me the most is how my siblings just threw me aside because of her lies. Especially my elder sister, she's older, she must remember even more. Or it is as I thought and mom just made us forget in some way. How can they believe someone who's literally lost every single family member in her life? How can they believe the woman that threatened not to go to her own daughter's wedding because she wasn't allowed to bring her new boyfriend...
The problem is not everyone else, it's her. And I don't care about this "she's still our mother crap", because she's not. She gave birth to us, but ever since then, we've been paws in her game. Boy did she hate it when we were of legal age and didn't bring in child support anymore. She wanted us out of there as soon as possible. But she just made living there impossible so it seemed it was our decision to move out.

It drives my crazy! I want to put an end to all this shit but I can't. The only way to truly be done with it all is when we bury her. And I know that must be the most horrible thing anyone can say but my god it would solve so many issues. She threatened to kill herself on multiple occasions so I'm sure she'll try to use it again real soon.

Maybe I should write a book about it. But then I would have to do research and that might damage me in ways I never thought off before.
So I don't know. Maybe I'll get another sigh somewhere that will tell me what to do.

When your life has been a lie

What do you do when you finally find out you've been lied to, basically your whole life? I mean, I always knew there was something fishy about how everything was explained, but I never realized how much. And now that I do know the truth, it made me realize that the damage reached much further than just taking a dad away from his kids.

She made us lose everyone that might have ever loved us, making us think they didn't love us anymore. Aunts, uncles, nephews, nieces, grandparents, friends... You name it, she cut them out of our lives.

And now, now I don't know what to do with all this information. My first instincts were to apologize to every family member I could find. But where to start? What to say? They probably wonder how on Earth it was possible for me to believe everything she said without questioning. But we were kids. I say we, but I really should say I, because so far, it's just me. My siblings are still living in the dark, without a care in the world. But I can't, not anymore.

When my parents separated, it became clear pretty fast that his side of the family was the bad side. But what do you do, as a kid? There's no way for you to contact people who lived an hour away. And why would you think your own mother would be lying to you? Our dad didn't love us and he left. Why else would he never contact us?
Well, how could he if your mother made sure he couldn't? But it didn't end just there. After a few years even our aunts didn't want to see us anymore. Mom changed the facts of every story and we never thought twice about it.

It was only when I had kids of my own that I started to see things clearer. She started lying to me about my kids. I knew I couldn't just believe what she told me so I reached out to my dad. After all, he did just become a grandfather and I wanted to give him a chance. I wanted my kids to have, what I didn't have. Him in my life. Turns out it was one of the best decisions I ever made. I didn't want to live in the past and made it clear that whatever had happened, I didn't care. What mattered was the future. I started having more contact with his side of the family and saw more and more similarities. I really take after my grandmother and I'm loving it. What my mom hates about her, I admire.

But mom could never let go of the past. Every time she saw the opportunity to boycott him, she would. She once called airport security on him and once again lied about it. How do I know, you ask. Well, at one point she didn't sign out of her email account and I found the email she send. She still denies she did it, not knowing I saw the mail. Ever since that day I never told anyone when and if he came back to Belgium. I wouldn't give her another shot at ruining things.

When my brother got married he invited both of them to the wedding. But lets be honest, the only reason my brother invited my father is because he knew he would get a great wedding gift. Everything my brother has ever done in life was for money. Once, our dad send us each an American dollar and my brother exchanged it immediately. I still have mine in my wallet.
So the big day was finally there and it was the first time my mom and dad were in the same room since he left so many moons ago.
My dad did what every adult would do and basically mind his own business. Of course the only ones giving him attention were the only ones directly related to his side of the family. Boy did my mom hate me being around him so often that night. But what did she expect? She lived ten minutes from me and I saw her way too much. I never got to see my dad, let alone in that way, so I was going to enjoy it.
My mom put on a show the entire night!! She never stays out that late but she just couldn't let him "win". She danced like she was 15 again, it was pathetic really. Trying her hardest to make my dad regret what he left behind. But how could he when she acts like a child. That was also the last time my dad heard anything from any of my siblings. Proving I was right about his motives of inviting my dad. But my God they hate it when I'm right!

When our lives were about to change in the biggest way imaginable, I knew there was one person who was going to rain on our parade. You guessed it, my mom.
Dirk got the greatest opportunity of his life but we would have to move to Ireland. Ireland, the only country I've always wanted to go to (Thank you "Darby O'Gill and the little people"). Everyone was so happy and excited for us, all but one. All she could see was me taking her grandkids away. It didn't matter that our lives had been crap for so long, it didn't matter we finally saw light at the end of the tunnel. It became pretty clear that my family wasn't going to support us. In any way. Once again I turned to my dad who was so supportive. The personification of the devil (if you believe my mom), was the only one (of my side of the family) that was truly happy for us. And without him, we wouldn't be here.

I think that's what made my siblings despise me even more, especially my brother (the eldest). My mom and my siblings were a big part of my decision to just go for it. I would finally be rid of my mom. Or at least it wouldn't be as easy for her to just show up on my doorstep. Sadly I was wrong. Because now, if she came over, she would stay for days. She was always here!! I was anxious for days on end. I couldn't sleep because every move she made, I could hear. To make matters worst is that she came during a school week, which meant I was alone with her throughout the day. And maybe that's normal for some, but me and my mom have never talked. Not about anything that mattered anyway. With her it's always gossip about the neighbours or complaints about anyone and everyone. She never even gave us a compliment about the house. Anyone who came to our house in Belgium knows it was basically a dump. My God I was always so embarrassed to invite someone over. The first time my dad ever came over i just wanted them to leave because I didn't want him to see how we lived.
So coming here was a big improvement for, anyone would say that. But did she? Nope!! All she could do was complain. By the time she left we barely spoke anymore. When she got home she did what she does best. Change the facts. She told my brothers and sister so many lies and invented so many stories that they collectively removed us from their lives. My youngest brother is the godfather of my youngest and my sister is the godmother of my eldest (which she didn't even accept at first).

But still I didn't connect all the dots. There was still some part of me that thought it was my fault. But not anymore. My mom and me had another argument and she yet again insulted me and called me paranoid and crazy. By now I'm used to it. But I had enough. I send her mail to my dad to show her what a great mother she is.
I told her that because of her I had to grow up without a father and now I had lost my siblings to. But she wouldn't stand for that. Once again she told me that our dad left us and never looked back, that he was a criminal and a lowlife. And finally I heard his side. I had never asked for it because I didn't want to ruin what we had because of what was.
But now there's no way back. I always told myself that I would never just believe his side of the story, because we all know there are three sides to a story; yours, theirs and the truth. But I didn't have to believe him blindly, his version made too much sense. Everything he told me about her, I've seen it to. She's basically doing to me what she did to him. Alienate him from his family.

And that made me realize that every other family member that had abandoned us, probably hadn't. She made sure they couldn't reach us anymore. And she made sure we only heard and thus believed her version of the truth.
And now I'm ashamed. Ashamed of the fact that it took me so long to see the truth. This will haunt me for a while. I want to reach out to everyone I ever lost but where to start?
I started with an uncle and an aunt (through my cousin). They accepted my apology but he also said "if only you had believed us sooner."
And I know he's right. And I can't believe she got away with it for so long. What the hell did she tell us to make us think everyone abandoned us. And how could she?!
I mean, what the fuck ever happened to that women to become so twisted and just plain evil?! Why was I so naive?

But then again, why am I being so hard on myself? I was a kid! And after a while you live on and you try to forget everyone that left you behind. But in reality, I left them behind. So what now? Where do I go from here?

One thing is for sure, that women is no longer welcome in my house. And if she EVER dares to show up here unannounced, I will call the authorities.
If my girls ask for her and want to contact her, I will let them. But never ever is she welcome in our house again.

I realize I would be doing the same as she did, but there will be one big difference. I will always tell my girls the truth, no matter how painful it is. This women is poisonous and I don't want her around my kids.

Now I'm sorry if this is long and I'm sorry if there are any mistakes in it but I needed to get this off my chest. My whole life has been a lie and now I don't know how to deal with it.