When your life has been a lie

What do you do when you finally find out you've been lied to, basically your whole life? I mean, I always knew there was something fishy about how everything was explained, but I never realized how much. And now that I do know the truth, it made me realize that the damage reached much further than just taking a dad away from his kids.

She made us lose everyone that might have ever loved us, making us think they didn't love us anymore. Aunts, uncles, nephews, nieces, grandparents, friends... You name it, she cut them out of our lives.

And now, now I don't know what to do with all this information. My first instincts were to apologize to every family member I could find. But where to start? What to say? They probably wonder how on Earth it was possible for me to believe everything she said without questioning. But we were kids. I say we, but I really should say I, because so far, it's just me. My siblings are still living in the dark, without a care in the world. But I can't, not anymore.

When my parents separated, it became clear pretty fast that his side of the family was the bad side. But what do you do, as a kid? There's no way for you to contact people who lived an hour away. And why would you think your own mother would be lying to you? Our dad didn't love us and he left. Why else would he never contact us?
Well, how could he if your mother made sure he couldn't? But it didn't end just there. After a few years even our aunts didn't want to see us anymore. Mom changed the facts of every story and we never thought twice about it.

It was only when I had kids of my own that I started to see things clearer. She started lying to me about my kids. I knew I couldn't just believe what she told me so I reached out to my dad. After all, he did just become a grandfather and I wanted to give him a chance. I wanted my kids to have, what I didn't have. Him in my life. Turns out it was one of the best decisions I ever made. I didn't want to live in the past and made it clear that whatever had happened, I didn't care. What mattered was the future. I started having more contact with his side of the family and saw more and more similarities. I really take after my grandmother and I'm loving it. What my mom hates about her, I admire.

But mom could never let go of the past. Every time she saw the opportunity to boycott him, she would. She once called airport security on him and once again lied about it. How do I know, you ask. Well, at one point she didn't sign out of her email account and I found the email she send. She still denies she did it, not knowing I saw the mail. Ever since that day I never told anyone when and if he came back to Belgium. I wouldn't give her another shot at ruining things.

When my brother got married he invited both of them to the wedding. But lets be honest, the only reason my brother invited my father is because he knew he would get a great wedding gift. Everything my brother has ever done in life was for money. Once, our dad send us each an American dollar and my brother exchanged it immediately. I still have mine in my wallet.
So the big day was finally there and it was the first time my mom and dad were in the same room since he left so many moons ago.
My dad did what every adult would do and basically mind his own business. Of course the only ones giving him attention were the only ones directly related to his side of the family. Boy did my mom hate me being around him so often that night. But what did she expect? She lived ten minutes from me and I saw her way too much. I never got to see my dad, let alone in that way, so I was going to enjoy it.
My mom put on a show the entire night!! She never stays out that late but she just couldn't let him "win". She danced like she was 15 again, it was pathetic really. Trying her hardest to make my dad regret what he left behind. But how could he when she acts like a child. That was also the last time my dad heard anything from any of my siblings. Proving I was right about his motives of inviting my dad. But my God they hate it when I'm right!

When our lives were about to change in the biggest way imaginable, I knew there was one person who was going to rain on our parade. You guessed it, my mom.
Dirk got the greatest opportunity of his life but we would have to move to Ireland. Ireland, the only country I've always wanted to go to (Thank you "Darby O'Gill and the little people"). Everyone was so happy and excited for us, all but one. All she could see was me taking her grandkids away. It didn't matter that our lives had been crap for so long, it didn't matter we finally saw light at the end of the tunnel. It became pretty clear that my family wasn't going to support us. In any way. Once again I turned to my dad who was so supportive. The personification of the devil (if you believe my mom), was the only one (of my side of the family) that was truly happy for us. And without him, we wouldn't be here.

I think that's what made my siblings despise me even more, especially my brother (the eldest). My mom and my siblings were a big part of my decision to just go for it. I would finally be rid of my mom. Or at least it wouldn't be as easy for her to just show up on my doorstep. Sadly I was wrong. Because now, if she came over, she would stay for days. She was always here!! I was anxious for days on end. I couldn't sleep because every move she made, I could hear. To make matters worst is that she came during a school week, which meant I was alone with her throughout the day. And maybe that's normal for some, but me and my mom have never talked. Not about anything that mattered anyway. With her it's always gossip about the neighbours or complaints about anyone and everyone. She never even gave us a compliment about the house. Anyone who came to our house in Belgium knows it was basically a dump. My God I was always so embarrassed to invite someone over. The first time my dad ever came over i just wanted them to leave because I didn't want him to see how we lived.
So coming here was a big improvement for, anyone would say that. But did she? Nope!! All she could do was complain. By the time she left we barely spoke anymore. When she got home she did what she does best. Change the facts. She told my brothers and sister so many lies and invented so many stories that they collectively removed us from their lives. My youngest brother is the godfather of my youngest and my sister is the godmother of my eldest (which she didn't even accept at first).

But still I didn't connect all the dots. There was still some part of me that thought it was my fault. But not anymore. My mom and me had another argument and she yet again insulted me and called me paranoid and crazy. By now I'm used to it. But I had enough. I send her mail to my dad to show her what a great mother she is.
I told her that because of her I had to grow up without a father and now I had lost my siblings to. But she wouldn't stand for that. Once again she told me that our dad left us and never looked back, that he was a criminal and a lowlife. And finally I heard his side. I had never asked for it because I didn't want to ruin what we had because of what was.
But now there's no way back. I always told myself that I would never just believe his side of the story, because we all know there are three sides to a story; yours, theirs and the truth. But I didn't have to believe him blindly, his version made too much sense. Everything he told me about her, I've seen it to. She's basically doing to me what she did to him. Alienate him from his family.

And that made me realize that every other family member that had abandoned us, probably hadn't. She made sure they couldn't reach us anymore. And she made sure we only heard and thus believed her version of the truth.
And now I'm ashamed. Ashamed of the fact that it took me so long to see the truth. This will haunt me for a while. I want to reach out to everyone I ever lost but where to start?
I started with an uncle and an aunt (through my cousin). They accepted my apology but he also said "if only you had believed us sooner."
And I know he's right. And I can't believe she got away with it for so long. What the hell did she tell us to make us think everyone abandoned us. And how could she?!
I mean, what the fuck ever happened to that women to become so twisted and just plain evil?! Why was I so naive?

But then again, why am I being so hard on myself? I was a kid! And after a while you live on and you try to forget everyone that left you behind. But in reality, I left them behind. So what now? Where do I go from here?

One thing is for sure, that women is no longer welcome in my house. And if she EVER dares to show up here unannounced, I will call the authorities.
If my girls ask for her and want to contact her, I will let them. But never ever is she welcome in our house again.

I realize I would be doing the same as she did, but there will be one big difference. I will always tell my girls the truth, no matter how painful it is. This women is poisonous and I don't want her around my kids.

Now I'm sorry if this is long and I'm sorry if there are any mistakes in it but I needed to get this off my chest. My whole life has been a lie and now I don't know how to deal with it.